Tell us a joke!

Subject: Tell us a joke! Fri Jun 29, 2007 7:29 pm

I am surprised nobody has started this thread yet...

OK guys and gals - let rip with your funnies!

Me first:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’
The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sat Jun 30, 2007 12:20 am

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Woy-Woy, Australia and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and have 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen.

Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species of bandicoot. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the bandicoots but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an Environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Immigration department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from Amanda Vanstone asking about my ethnic background!

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

Guest

Two dealers are at the craps table when a women come up to play. She bets $20,000 on 1 number and asks if she can take her top off for good luck. Then she removes all her clothes down to her waist, and rolls the dice. As soon as the dice hit she begins to jump up and down yelling " I won I won " then quickly gathers her money and clothes and rushes off. The dealers just look at each other, when one asks what did she roll the other dealer says I thought you were watching the dice.

Guest

An old man and women are laying in bed and the man rolls over and says " I am going to make you the happiest women in the world. " The women replies " I am going to miss you. "

Guest

A teenage girl comes down stairs with a see-through blouse and no bra on. Her grandmother begins to fuss at her, and she replies it is modern times and she has to show off her rose buds. The next day the same girl comes down stairs to find grandma on the couch topless, the girl tells her grandma to put some clothes on. The grandma replies if you can show your rose buds I can show my hanging plants.

Guest

There are 2 mice sitting in the kitchen. One is a boy the other a girl. The boy mouse says, " I'm bored, lets play a game." The girl replies,"What game would you like to play?" The boy says, " lets play hide and seek, I'll count to 20 while you hide." The girl asks what will happen if he finds her. He tells her that he will give her a kiss. She says, " In that case I will be in the bread box."

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:46 am

Hole In The Fence

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Mon Jul 23, 2007 6:42 pm

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Tue Jul 24, 2007 2:47 am

The Speed Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain for backup. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding too!

Guest

How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

How do you drown a dumb blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

What is black and blue and lying in a ditch?

a brunette who told one to many dumb blonde jokes.

Guest

What do you call 10 blonds in a freezer Question

Frosted Flakes Exclamation

What do you call 10 blonds standing in a row Question

A wind tunnel Exclamation

How do you know a blond has been on the computer Question

There is white out on the screen Exclamation

How do you know when another blonds been on the computer Question

There are words written on the white out Exclamation

A guy seen the blond next door go out and check her mail box and go back in the house, a few minutes later she came back out and checked her mail box again and went back in the house, a few minutes go by and again she comes out and walks to the mail box and on the way back the man asks her why she was doing this. She replies "Every time I sit at my computer it says you have mail Exclamation

Man I've got a stiff neck, I took a Viagra pill and didn't swallow it fast enough.

A lady walked in to a bar and sat down with a duck under her arm and the guy sitting next to her said where did you get that pig, she said that aint no pig he said hell I was talkin' to the duck Exclamation

My girlfriend had been lookin for cars, and she came in one morning and said I want something that goes from 0 to 160 in 10 sec. so I bought her some bathroom scales Exclamation

A man walks in a bar with his dog and the bartender says "you can't bring that dog in here" the man replies "it's my seeing eye dog". Later another man comes in with a dog and the first man tells him you have to tell them your blind to have a dog in here. So the man walks to the bar and the bartender says "you can't bring that dog in here" the man replies "it's my seeing eye dog". the bartender says "but it's a chihuahua" the man yells "what they gave me a chihuahua" Exclamation

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sun Aug 05, 2007 9:52 pm

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he is breathing his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got

no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached! affraid

Guest

Why doesn't Santa Clause have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and then it is down a chimney!

Guest

here I go:

Pop-eye the sailor man *toot-toot*
He lived in a frying pan *toot-toot*
He turned on the gas,
And blew off his.....Hand!
He's Pop-eye the sailor...Man!

Oo, heres another one:

An old man, in his late sixties got married to this young strapping 20 year old really pretty girl. One day at the doctor's office the man brags about how is wife is pregnant. The doctor sits him down and give his a hypothetical story. "Say you went hunting, but instead of bringing your rifle, you accidentally brought an umbrella. So, trapising though the woods, you find a dead rabbit. What do you think?"
The old man replies, "Someone else must've shot that rabbit!"

Okay, last one, I promise!

There's a man sitting at a bar one night, and he bets the bartender a hundred dollars that he can bite his right eye. The bartender thinks, "he's drunk, i'll have this down!" The bartender accepts, and the man pulls out his glass eye and shoves it in his mouth. The bartender is astonished! $100 that he just lost!
~~~~~
A while later, the man says to the bartender, okay, I'll bet you two hundred dollars that I can bite my left eye. After making this statement, the man looks directly at the bartender and winks at him. The bartender's thinking, "Man, I could make a profit here if I win, but if I loose, it's another $200 down the drain! But he did look directly at me though..." The bartender eventually accepts, and the man takes out his dentures and proceeds to bite his left eye. The bartender almost breaks down. $300 dollars in one night! How is he going to recover? He seriously debates throwing the man out of the bar, but he's a pretty good customer, hes a few good drinks, and isn't really drunk yet.
~~~~~
After a while, the man at the bar says to the bartender, how would you like to cancel that $300 you owe me AND make an extra $100? I'll bet you four hundred dollars that if you put a shot glass at one end of the bar, I could stand at the the other end and pee into that shot glass without missing anything.
~~~~~
The bartender ponders for over an hour before finally agreeing to it. He places a shot glass at one end, and like he said, the man went to the other end, unzipped and went loose. He went all over the bar, none of it even came close to the shot glass. The bartender is elated (which means really happy). So after they all settled down, the bartender asks his patron, "Why did you bet that? You knew you were never going to make it! Why?" The man replies, "You see that fellow over there in the corner? He bet me a thousand dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy!"

Hope You're Satisfied,
~Leseyk~

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sat Sep 29, 2007 8:47 pm

BLONDE: Excuse me, what time is it right now?

WOMAN: It's 11:25PM.

BLONDE: (confused look on face) You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question so many times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer!

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sat Sep 29, 2007 10:08 pm

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Subject: Re: Tell us a joke! Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:26 pm

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It
has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have y ou been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard! Let's see how they like it!"